Man Rules vs. ME

Men: Women...These are our rules!..ADHERE TO THEM!!
And, my Answers follow...

1) Rule: Men are NOT mind readers.
Answer: If we told you what we really thought, it would hurt your feelings.

2) Rule: "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Answer: If we answered with more than a "yes" or "no" you'd ask what our problem was.

3) Rule: If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Answer: We ask if we look fat for a compliment, usually because men are too stupid to realize what they've got and they're eyes are always looking at the whore waitresses at the bar/restaurant. Is it so bad that we want a little reassurance? God knows you want us to always tell you how big your dick is! Please! If you have to ask it's probably small...right? Same thing as asking if we look fat. Stop asking!

4) Rule: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Answer: You want me to hold my thoughts till a commercial? It's 2010 guys, if you miss it, you can rewind it. Get over it! It's just TV. The TV isn't going to have sex with you. Unless you count jacking off during showtime's skinamax.

5) Rule: You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Answer: Chances are if we don't ask you to do it, you being a "man", you're gonna get all sensitive as to why we didn't ask you to do it.

6) Rule: Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it woman!!!
Answer: Wasn't this covered in number 1? Stop repeating yourself! You just want to write out stupid rules!

7) Rule: Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Answer: Is it hard to put the toilet seat down? Is that why this is such an issue for you "men"? Do you know how disgusting it is to flush a toilet and let the insides of it spray out of the toilet onto the floor and your toothbrush? Hello numb nuts, not only are we concerned about falling in, we're concerned with our health and fecal matter!

8) Rule: Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Answer: You get in our way anyways! We only ask you to come along because we're only allowed to "talk during commercials".

9) Rule: Crying is blackmail.
Answer: Crying is not blackmail when you're being a DICK! Stop being a DICK and we'll stop crying...DICK!

10) Rule: Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Answer: We don't come to you with our problems for solving or sympathy. Chances are you asked what was wrong, and we told you! You know because you said to tell you what was on our minds! You can't read our minds remember. Shut up and listen!

11) Rule: A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor baby.
Answer: We have a headache for 17 months because we don't want to have sex with you! You should see a doctor!

12) Rule: Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
Answer: The only reason you want any and all comments to null and void after 7 days is because you're constantly saying stupid shit. Stop saying stupid shit that we won't forget.

13) Rule: If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Answer: We can't read your mind. If you're saying something that can make us sad, just don't say it at all. That is if you want me not to have a headache for 17 months.

14) Rule: ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
Answer: I don't know what mauve is either...

15) Rule: If it itches, it WILL be scratched. We do that.
Answer: Scratch all you want, but eventually it's playing with yourself and not scratching.

16) Rule: If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
Answer: If it's not worth the hassle just don't ask.

17) Rule: If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Answer: I actually totally agree with this one.

18) Rule: When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...honest baby.
Answer: Stop calling me baby! We ask, again, because we'd rather you look at us instead of the whore waitresses. Why do we even bother? You're going to anyways because you're a PRICK!

19) Rule: Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as footy, cars, or the female nipple.
Answer: You have just proved to me that you only think about woman's body parts (which in turns to sex) or cars. We were right.

20) Rule: You have enough clothes.
Answer: You don't have enough boxers or soap.

21) Rule: You have too many shoes.
Answer: Don't worry about my shoes, worry about your socks.

22) Rule: I am in shape......”Round” IS a shape!!
Answer: You want us to not nag you about being "round" when you are constantly looking at a thinner younger model...Please!

23) Rule: MAKE ME A GOD DAMN SANDWHICH! But what we really mean is, hey hunny, could you please make me a sandwhich? you mean the world to me.
Answer: If you want me to make you a sandwich say it the way it was "meant".

24) Rule: Thank you for reading this. (Yes hunny, I know...I have to sleep on the couch tonight)

...But did you know men really don't actually mind that? It's like camping.
Answer: Go camping then!

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