Dear Friend

It's been nearly three months since my friend's death and I still think about him every day. I wrote him a note that I never got to take to the service and I wanted to share it. 
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When I look back to high school, I remember thinking I thought you would grow up to be something incredible. You were so talented in both music and photography. I remember thinking no one was as good as you. Of course that was so long ago, but still that's how I saw you. Remarkable. I admired who you were and what you did. Some of my fondest memories have you in them. And some of my most cherished photographs either you took or are in. You were always one of those people who left Atlanta and I always wished would come back. Back home. For my own selfish reasons. I just always missed you. And honestly was jealous of the friendships you made after us.
I remember specific things that we did together. Like how you would play Jewell's You Were Meant for Me on your guitar and I would sing the lyrics for you. It was our song. And that is the only reason I still have that song on my playlist. You would beg me to sing it while you played it. And in front of people you knew the only way you were going to get me to sing was if you turned the lights off. I was shy and with the lights out it felt like it was just you and me. So I remember, sitting in a dark room while you played on the guitar and I sang.
We only dated for a short time, but you were always special to me. I remember for our 3 month anniversary all day you were so excited, you had a surprise for me. You knew my favorite flower back then was carnations. You had me meet you up the street from Murphy Candler. Between your house and my grandparents house. There you were waiting for me with 3 Carnations. One for each of our months as "boyfriend girlfriend". I still to this day say that is the sweetest thing any boyfriend has ever done for me. And if anyone knows me at all they know I do still have those carnations.
I can't wrap my head around it. Like how are we suppose to continue on without you with us. You were so far away, but never far enough to where the possibly of not seeing you was there. Now we have to figure out how to live without you. And sometimes, quite honestly, I don't think I can cope with that. You ARE such a great person! I can not think of a person better than you. I see your smile now. In my memory. And I hear you playing your guitar. And I see you at the corner with 3 carnations in your hand. 
I remember when we broke up and you wanted to get back together. I of course didn't want to get back together, but you kept trying. Eventually you started crushing on another girl and then I, as you do, I wanted you back. I think this is when I had my first case of "love sickness". I remember trying to eat, but when I thought about you I just couldn't. I couldn't eat. Anyways that's how I feel now. I can't eat when I think about you.
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Now I've had a difficult time with this. He's not the first one that we've lost this way and I really thought the last one was the last one. I've gone through your basic wave of emotions. I was really sad for about two weeks. Every face I looked at I saw him. Every song I heard reminded me of him. When I saw babies I thought, "How are they going to turn out? Will they be sad? Will they not make it" and these thoughts really disturb me. After two weeks I started to get really angry. I would be crying then I'd be yelling about it. I was so angry that someone so bright and promising and attractive would do something so selfish. Like I had to sit through a service where people said family was #1 to you! I can't begin to image I know the pain he was going through. Or anyone for that matter. And I'm done asking myself why. But I do know that taking your own life isn't the answer.