Wow! I logged into okc the
other day and found a NOVEL in my inbox. I wonder if guys think we’ll write
them back after making us read a lot of bullshit. Or are the testing us to see
if we do read it. Whatever who cares! Here’s the message from FOODST4MP
(it’s lengthy, hints NOVEL) and it’s time marked at 3:15 AM!…
“I’m smarter a helleva lot
classier, and more fun than all of these other [insert bad word here] which
have unfortunately (for you and I both) found your inbox.
Surprisingly, these male
(and possibly lesbian female) creatures are intelligent enough to log on to the
internet and are also able to operate a web-browser; thus enabling them to nest
(and possibly breed) inside this God forsaken hellhole which only a moronic
idiot (and probable pervert) would refer to as a ‘dating website’.
Unfortunately, (for you
and I both), many of these [insert BAD word here again] were able to deliver
random nonsense, or simple-minded hormone induced BS to your precious inbox and
waste seconds (if not ENTIRE minutes) of your amazing and pristine life, and
thus slightly impeding me as I carry out my duty of gaining your attention and
impressing the ever lasting [insert bad word that starts with S here] out of
you. (Editor’s Note: My inbox is precious? I’m amazing and my life is pristine?
Wow you don’t even know me and you already know this!) For that, I send my
apologies and will send my Army of minions (Editor’s Note: Shit.Just.Got.Real)
to go kick their asses if you simply request, or, you know what, [insert bad
word here that starts with F here] (Editor’s Note: Can this guy not cuss?)
it…My minions are already on their way (and are already over half-way there may
I add) to go handle business for us…:::cracks his knuckles::: We will be
victorious in your honor. (Editor’s Note: Is he drunk, delusional or does he
think he’s being cute?)
I forgot to mention
earlier that I also have far more superior personality than God
himself…(Editor’s Note: Oh NO he just didn't ) OK maybe that was BS but the
rest of my expertly crafted message (Editor’s Note: Is that what you call this?)
to you was all true (and also proofread by a ninja who I captured and took
prisoner and now employ as my secretary/proofreading/make-up and hair/ancillary
BS bitch).:::smacks the ninja upside the head::: ‘Get back to work on the
disguises’…
I kick so much ass that I
can act like a total douchebag in my first (and last if you don’t reply with
the quickness) message to you, and already somehow know (without any shadow of
a doubt because you also have a
exponentially-expert-level-huge-I-can-kick-double-Jeopardy-square-in-the-ass
brilliant mind) that I am NOT really a douchebag. I simply play one in your
inbox/on the profile pages so that I may blend in with the surrounding wildlife
here while hoping you are intelligent enough to spot my disguise and call me
out on it…Which, for the record, my ninja did in fact help design in addition
to proofreading (remember when I smacked him a bit ago). He isn't [insert bad
word that starts with S here] without my superior intellect and good looks, but
he has been known to help from time to time. (Editor’s Note: I’m a little
confused…)
I've crossed behind enemy
lines and infiltrated this territory full of actual real-life morons and
douchebaggery as quickly and expertly as I could so that my superior skills and
tactics will ensure that you (the Princess/Queen/Goddess of THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE
will be rescued in time for us to be able to do whatever it is that
Princess/Goddess/Queen of THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE like to do after they aren't trapped inside retart-douchebaggery-I-may-be-stupid-and-horny-at-the-same-time-but-I’m-on-your-inbox-and-won’t-leave-until-you-block-me-or-meet-me-in-real-life-land,
AKA Okstupid. (It’s not okcupid any longer). (Editor’s Note: Has anyone else
gotten bored?)
F them for F’ing with You
(the Princess/Goddess/Queen of THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE) and I, and making us endure
all of the suffering which was brought unto both of us by this godforsaken
hellhole of a website full of douche (Editor’s Note: Pot Kettle…) until I was
able to come to your rescue (Editor’s Note: How sweet. He’s saving me).
If you help me help you, I
will get us OFF OF THIS SITE FOREVER, never to return again! (Editor’s Note: Oh
FOODST4MP promises are just words) BUT…it will take BOTH of us to escape…I
can’t do it alone (Editor’s Note: And possibly won’t ever do it at all), and
neither can you. (That’s why we’re here, right? To ESCAPE?)
These people (well
99.99999%of them anyways, You and I are both excluded) all suck and deserve
what my minions are bringing their way here any minute now. If you hurry, you
and I will be able to watch in super-ultra-omfg-it’s-real-life-in-person-HD and
we can DVR (in our superior brains) my minions beating the brakes off their
retarded, yet collective asses. It might prove to be fun (if you’re into that
kind of stuff…)
I have skills woman,
believe that, (or ‘dat as they say on the south side). I don’t know what part
of town you are from or which dialect of English you prefer…BUT I KNOW ALL OF
THEM BECAUSE I WROTE THEM ALL! (Editor’s Note: Unders dropped!!!) I know every
language on the planet and I can fly (Editor’s Note: Good to know, I hate to
fly), have x-ray vision, lasers, can play guitar and sing and all kinds of
other [insert bad word here that starts with S]…I suck (Editor’s Note: You’re
on to something) at dancing (Editor’s Note: Oh shit!) though, I won’t lie, it
scares the absolute hell out of me…BUT, anything else, I will kick it in the
ass.
Have a great
morning/afternoon/evening (whenever you get this) and feel free to message me
back (Editor’s Note: I think we both know that won’t be happening) (I did in
fact write all this crap so you would reply and not report me to your local law
enforcement agency)…After you write me back, I’ll try to reply back myself but
at the very least I have instructed the ninja (the one I captured) to get back
in touch with you for me…It’s hard for me (even with a captured ninja) to reply
back sometimes because every single (and married) girl on this entire website
likes to talk to me all day/night (that’s why they joined) and they all happen
to be online right now which is normal
because I’m online. It’s no biggie though, you have nothing to worry about…I’m
VERY picky (Editor’s Note: Maybe you shouldn't be, just sayin), and I have
already picked you, so, hopefully I hear from you soon and maybe we will hit it
off (and get the hell off this godforsaken website).
:::wipes the sweat off his
forehead:::
Luckily (Editor’s Note:
SHIT I thought this was over!) I was the one who trained Superman and I can go
capture his sorry ass so that he can assist the ninja in writing you back,
should you happen to contact me. As you can probably tell, I am VERY good at
what I do. (Editor’s Note: What is that? What if this guy was foreal!?)
I hope you enjoyed reading
this as much as my ninja did proofreading it, although he may have screwed up
somewhere (he isn't as good as I am myself at writing masterpieces)…I also hope
you enjoyed my disguise which the ninja did have a hand in it’s construction
(Editor’s Note: What is he talking about?) as well, :::smacks the ninja again
this time harder:::…For the record, the hair is short now, but is growing back
out : )
Merry Part,
B***
And there you have it folks. A bit of crazy brought to you from my okc.
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