Thank God I’m a Terrible Speller!

I almost really f’d up this afternoon. Typically after lunch I get really busy. I don’t know if it’s because everyone finally decides to start working (including myself) or if everyone just decides to be difficult...Either way after lunch I get busy and today followed suit with the phone ringing off the hook, someone asking me to scan something for them and sales reps not doing their job. 

I got an order this morning that was quite confusing. I emailed the rep and in typical sales rep fashion didn't hear back so this customer has been waiting for their access and hasn't gotten it. Finally after lunch I get in touch with the rep and I’m copied on an email with the customer. I replied to the email with something smart ass intended for the rep, but thank God for spell check because had I not been asked if ONE word was spelled correctly that email would of gone to the customer NOT the rep.

My heart stopped beating for a second and I got a flash back of when I first started here and I copied everyone on an email that was intended for just one person. How could I be so careless? It is finally revealed to me why I've struggled with bad spelling all my life. It was for this very day! 

My Journey’s: Oh No He Just Didn't…

Because it’s been a while and you know how I love to talk about my "dates" I thought I’d share this one!

It wasn't a date really, it was more like a gathering and I met this guy through friends. Over beers and dinner after kickball we got to talking. It wasn't long before this came out of his mouth, “You know I don’t want anything serious but if you’re down I’m down”, I looked at him confused and was thinking "um come again!?" but said, “excuse me?” I did actually know where he was going, and he says, “you know we could just have sex”. I mean I got the feeling he was into me, but damn! If you're going to come at me with interest come at me correct! 

I immediately jumped on him with “so I’m good enough to F but I’m not good enough to be your girlfriend?” He’s all the sudden on the defense saying it came out wrong, and I’m thinking there’s no other way that could of be taken. Either way not.interested.

We’re still friends and he’s actually not that bad of a guy. You know how people say "men are stupid"? Well this one takes the cake when it comes to girls apparently. 

Guest Blogger: Douche from OKC

Wow! I logged into okc the other day and found a NOVEL in my inbox. I wonder if guys think we’ll write them back after making us read a lot of bullshit. Or are the testing us to see if we do read it. Whatever who cares! Here’s the message from FOODST4MP (it’s lengthy, hints NOVEL) and it’s time marked at 3:15 AM!…

“I’m smarter a helleva lot classier, and more fun than all of these other [insert bad word here] which have unfortunately (for you and I both) found your inbox.

Surprisingly, these male (and possibly lesbian female) creatures are intelligent enough to log on to the internet and are also able to operate a web-browser; thus enabling them to nest (and possibly breed) inside this God forsaken hellhole which only a moronic idiot (and probable pervert) would refer to as a ‘dating website’.

Unfortunately, (for you and I both), many of these [insert BAD word here again] were able to deliver random nonsense, or simple-minded hormone induced BS to your precious inbox and waste seconds (if not ENTIRE minutes) of your amazing and pristine life, and thus slightly impeding me as I carry out my duty of gaining your attention and impressing the ever lasting [insert bad word that starts with S here] out of you. (Editor’s Note: My inbox is precious? I’m amazing and my life is pristine? Wow you don’t even know me and you already know this!) For that, I send my apologies and will send my Army of minions (Editor’s Note: Shit.Just.Got.Real) to go kick their asses if you simply request, or, you know what, [insert bad word here that starts with F here] (Editor’s Note: Can this guy not cuss?) it…My minions are already on their way (and are already over half-way there may I add) to go handle business for us…:::cracks his knuckles::: We will be victorious in your honor. (Editor’s Note: Is he drunk, delusional or does he think he’s being cute?)

I forgot to mention earlier that I also have far more superior personality than God himself…(Editor’s Note: Oh NO he just didn't ) OK maybe that was BS but the rest of my expertly crafted message (Editor’s Note: Is that what you call this?) to you was all true (and also proofread by a ninja who I captured and took prisoner and now employ as my secretary/proofreading/make-up and hair/ancillary BS bitch).:::smacks the ninja upside the head::: ‘Get back to work on the disguises’…

I kick so much ass that I can act like a total douchebag in my first (and last if you don’t reply with the quickness) message to you, and already somehow know (without any shadow of a doubt because you also have a exponentially-expert-level-huge-I-can-kick-double-Jeopardy-square-in-the-ass brilliant mind) that I am NOT really a douchebag. I simply play one in your inbox/on the profile pages so that I may blend in with the surrounding wildlife here while hoping you are intelligent enough to spot my disguise and call me out on it…Which, for the record, my ninja did in fact help design in addition to proofreading (remember when I smacked him a bit ago). He isn't [insert bad word that starts with S here] without my superior intellect and good looks, but he has been known to help from time to time. (Editor’s Note: I’m a little confused…)

I've crossed behind enemy lines and infiltrated this territory full of actual real-life morons and douchebaggery as quickly and expertly as I could so that my superior skills and tactics will ensure that you (the Princess/Queen/Goddess of THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE  will be rescued in time for us to be able to do whatever it is that Princess/Goddess/Queen of THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE like to do after they aren't trapped inside retart-douchebaggery-I-may-be-stupid-and-horny-at-the-same-time-but-I’m-on-your-inbox-and-won’t-leave-until-you-block-me-or-meet-me-in-real-life-land, AKA Okstupid. (It’s not okcupid any longer). (Editor’s Note: Has anyone else gotten bored?)

F them for F’ing with You (the Princess/Goddess/Queen of THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE) and I, and making us endure all of the suffering which was brought unto both of us by this godforsaken hellhole of a website full of douche (Editor’s Note: Pot Kettle…) until I was able to come to your rescue (Editor’s Note: How sweet. He’s saving me).

If you help me help you, I will get us OFF OF THIS SITE FOREVER, never to return again! (Editor’s Note: Oh FOODST4MP promises are just words) BUT…it will take BOTH of us to escape…I can’t do it alone (Editor’s Note: And possibly won’t ever do it at all), and neither can you. (That’s why we’re here, right? To ESCAPE?)

These people (well 99.99999%of them anyways, You and I are both excluded) all suck and deserve what my minions are bringing their way here any minute now. If you hurry, you and I will be able to watch in super-ultra-omfg-it’s-real-life-in-person-HD and we can DVR (in our superior brains) my minions beating the brakes off their retarded, yet collective asses. It might prove to be fun (if you’re into that kind of stuff…)

I have skills woman, believe that, (or ‘dat as they say on the south side). I don’t know what part of town you are from or which dialect of English you prefer…BUT I KNOW ALL OF THEM BECAUSE I WROTE THEM ALL! (Editor’s Note: Unders dropped!!!) I know every language on the planet and I can fly (Editor’s Note: Good to know, I hate to fly), have x-ray vision, lasers, can play guitar and sing and all kinds of other [insert bad word here that starts with S]…I suck (Editor’s Note: You’re on to something) at dancing (Editor’s Note: Oh shit!) though, I won’t lie, it scares the absolute hell out of me…BUT, anything else, I will kick it in the ass.

Have a great morning/afternoon/evening (whenever you get this) and feel free to message me back (Editor’s Note: I think we both know that won’t be happening) (I did in fact write all this crap so you would reply and not report me to your local law enforcement agency)…After you write me back, I’ll try to reply back myself but at the very least I have instructed the ninja (the one I captured) to get back in touch with you for me…It’s hard for me (even with a captured ninja) to reply back sometimes because every single (and married) girl on this entire website likes to talk to me all day/night (that’s why they joined) and they all happen to be online right now which is  normal because I’m online. It’s no biggie though, you have nothing to worry about…I’m VERY picky (Editor’s Note: Maybe you shouldn't be, just sayin), and I have already picked you, so, hopefully I hear from you soon and maybe we will hit it off (and get the hell off this godforsaken website).

:::wipes the sweat off his forehead:::

Luckily (Editor’s Note: SHIT I thought this was over!) I was the one who trained Superman and I can go capture his sorry ass so that he can assist the ninja in writing you back, should you happen to contact me. As you can probably tell, I am VERY good at what I do. (Editor’s Note: What is that? What if this guy was foreal!?)

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as my ninja did proofreading it, although he may have screwed up somewhere (he isn't as good as I am myself at writing masterpieces)…I also hope you enjoyed my disguise which the ninja did have a hand in it’s construction (Editor’s Note: What is he talking about?) as well, :::smacks the ninja again this time harder:::…For the record, the hair is short now, but is growing back out : )

Merry Part,

B***

:::puts on the cape I ganked from Superman after I just went and kicked his ass without my ninjas help and flies away:::"

And there you have it folks. A bit of crazy brought to you from my okc. 

Thank you Facebook…

For reminding me that I hate you and that I love the “hide” option that you got rid of.

I’m going to say that facebook has been responsible for making me mad at every guy I've dated since I've been single. Facebook and the over willingness to share every little thing you do on fb. Dating is hard enough, and then you got facebook adding drama where it doesn't need to be. 

Number ONE Reason I Hate Facebook

I realize that mark zuckleburger (or whatever) is making a shit ton of money off facebook, but at the price of it’s user’s privacy…I just don’t think that’s fair. As an adult I can choose my privacy settings and KNOW, with great certainty, what I am and am not putting out there for the WORLD to see. But for a child who has absolutely NO idea what he or she is getting into…it’s scary.

I remember a time when you had to be a certain age to join. Not only that, you had to be in college. It was a college network. Now before fb there was Myspace, but still you had to be at least 18 or older. I think even 18 at this point is too young to post your life online, but at least it was there. Protecting us. Now you can be ANY age! Some are not mature enough to decide for themselves what is or is not appropriate for social sites. I know for myself I didn’t realize what I was doing until I was 25 and I had to learn the hard way.

Fb does gives us the option to make our pages private, but for a teen that thinks they’re the shit doesn’t want anything and everything they do every second of every waking minute to be private. Could there at least be a MANDITORY private setting for teens? In a perfect world these teens would have parents who actual PARENT their children. Maybe most do, but I know some that don’t. If it were me I would be taking my child’s computer and cell phone, or ipod or whatever, away every night at 9:00. I swear having a 16-year-old niece has scared me away from ever wanting kids.

If our parents don’t protect us then who will? It’s certainly not the moneymakers behind such sites like facebook. They don’t care. And they shouldn’t have to. 

P.S. Hey facebook, is there a way you can BLOCK friend requests? Some crazy bia keeps requesting me after I ignore her! I mean I know I'm awesome, but no one should be that eager to be my friend...

My “Not So Much” Journey’s: More Messages from that OKC

 As you can only imagine I get some weird messages on okc. Only a few are worth posting. I bring you TWO gems that I've gotten in the last couple of months.

First up is from about 3 months ago. YooCantBeSerous (is his screen name and I actually thought exactly that after reading this message): "Kickball is the shiznit…I hope you are ready for crazy, because crazy is coming your way (editors note: crazy doesn't exactly explain it).

So…I’ve done a ton of research and put a lot of thought into this and I’ve scientifically masterminded THE most sincere, genuine and thoughtful copy-n-paste intro pickup line specially created…just…for…you. Are you ready?

Wait…waaait for it…

Hi…I’m Chris…I’ve got an average sized brain but I know how to please you with it and promise you’ll be satisfied FIRST every time ;) I come from a very stable and rewarding family that I’ve worked hard to build and I have a loving career that I am very close to (editors note: Chris, is that backwards?). I have an emotional but never clingy penis (editors note: OMG what!?) that I am very passionate about and that is very close to me (editors note: NO SHIT!). It’s gotten me where I am today (editors note: which is on a FREE dating site) and don’t know where I’d be without it. I hope one day to meet someone who I can introduce to my penis (editors note: no you just didn’t mention your PENIS AGAIN!) and who’ll feel the same way. In the mean time, I’d like to start out by just meeting a nice, fun, drama-free vagina (editors note: yep he went there) to develop a friendship with in hopes that it grows into a healthy mutually beneficial connection that I can introduce to my family someday. (editors note: did he just say he wants a “friend” with benefits?) Who knows what the future holds?…pets…kids…marriage…therapy…dysfu…family perhaps?…and whatever other tax benefits awaits us. I’m just so excited to have the privilege to be on this site so that you have the opportunity to meet me (editors note: no thank you) and I know you are just about to pee in your pants with anticipation too.

BAM!!!

I know that’s some good shit right? Almost too much to handle (editors note: You got that right). Like getting dessert for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Savor it…take it in slowly and saaavor it.

But…you’re welcome!

YOU just got handed goods! And lived to tell about it (editors note: trust that I will).

What’s next? Drinks…hot oily nekkidness…crash a wedding? It’s aaall (editors note: gotta love a guy that uses his letters multiple times) yours for the taking.

Number please? (Editors note: I think NOT!)

And so…how much of this did you really take seriously" (editors note: enough not to write you back).

I know readers that was a long one! But it had to be done. The next one comes from Sharkbaitoohhaha, who has a much nicer approach: “Hi Ms. Tlsavage, lol, how are you? I’m about to shut myself down from this site, but before I did, I had to say something to you. Get off dating sites!!!

1) You’re very beautiful (editors note: aw thanks). You say your pictures don’t do you justice, but I beg to differ. If I ever met you in person, I’d find it difficult to believe you’re prettier than your pictures. Your pictures are gorgeous; it’s just not possible.

2^nd (and final) Have faith that a wonderful person will sweep you off your feet-it just takes time. I know time can be a terrible monster that ticks by ever so slowly, but don’t be in a hurry. I have destroyed my dating life. Something time can’t fix (editors note: I’m intrigued, do tell…). If I could change it/fix it, I would. But alas, there is no recovery, and it’s led me to view many instances in a different light (editors note: and he’s not going to tell me what he’s talking about! You’ve got to be kidding me!).

I guess what I’m trying to say is: you have a much better chance at a quality man in real life (editors note: I don’t remember asking for a pep talk but ok), leave us computer junkies alone, lol (editors note: at least he has a sense of humor), and get out there! Someone is looking for you-out in the real world, not on a computer. Be out there, and you’ll be found.

Best wished and good luck!”

Too bad he deleted his profile right? I have decided that my gorgeousness scares guys away from my profile. This isn’t the first message I’ve gotten like this. What am I doing on this site!? In a total I’ve met two guys I’ve actually liked. One, I swear tries to avoids me and the second I actually met through a mutual friend years ago before okc was even a thought, in my non single days. It’s truly funny how things work out. At the end of the day, I’m still looking. 

The NeverEnding Cult

I decided to watch The NeverEnding Story last night. It had been a really long time since I’d seen it, so really it was like watching a new movie. As I do I wanted to see what the characters are up to now, as well as look like, so I took to Wikipedia. Bastian, one of the main characters was the first person I looked up.

I was so depressed to read that he LEFT acting, in his teens, to join the Sea Org and got himself married!  

 

Another actor taken by scientology! Hope that Million Year Contract is working out for ya there Bastian. 

WTF

Lady Gaga’s bodyguard hits a fan <--- Watch this video

What the hell kind of person thinks that doing this is ok? I mean was all that really necessary? It’s just lady caca and he just wanted her ridiculous autograph! It’s not like he was after her! It’s a crazy world we live in. 

This Week in Chamblee, Star Light on The Mad Italian

First I see on facebook that a man was found dead in front of the Mad Italian Then I find out that a Food Truck named "Champion Cheesesteaks" is using a picture of the Mad Italian’s cheese steak as one of their own! 

First, WTF dead bodies in front of the Mad I? This is scary shit since I live down the road. AND the Mad I happens to be one of my favorite restaurants and a place I practically grew up at.  As if we don't worry enough, my whole family is asking me questions about this "situation". My bestie that works there says to me, “Tara you act like this has never happened before” and when I think about it, he’s right. A shooting next door at the bowling alley, a shooting across the street at the Texaco, a little kid shot dead in my neighborhood, rapes and armed robberies…Honestly my city is turning to shit. MY CITY! It’s sickening. And my parents thought if I’d moved down town I’d be unsafe.

Second, how stupid do you have to be to post a picture of a cheese steak on your website as your own and leave the MAD ITALIAN paper on it? They tried to blur it out it seems, but this did not work. My friend’s 8-year-old son caught it, he said, “Hey that’s the Mad Italian’s cheese steak”. Right you are 8 year old.