Guest Blogger: Douche from OKC

Wow! I logged into okc the other day and found a NOVEL in my inbox. I wonder if guys think we’ll write them back after making us read a lot of bullshit. Or are the testing us to see if we do read it. Whatever who cares! Here’s the message from FOODST4MP (it’s lengthy, hints NOVEL) and it’s time marked at 3:15 AM!…

“I’m smarter a helleva lot classier, and more fun than all of these other [insert bad word here] which have unfortunately (for you and I both) found your inbox.

Surprisingly, these male (and possibly lesbian female) creatures are intelligent enough to log on to the internet and are also able to operate a web-browser; thus enabling them to nest (and possibly breed) inside this God forsaken hellhole which only a moronic idiot (and probable pervert) would refer to as a ‘dating website’.

Unfortunately, (for you and I both), many of these [insert BAD word here again] were able to deliver random nonsense, or simple-minded hormone induced BS to your precious inbox and waste seconds (if not ENTIRE minutes) of your amazing and pristine life, and thus slightly impeding me as I carry out my duty of gaining your attention and impressing the ever lasting [insert bad word that starts with S here] out of you. (Editor’s Note: My inbox is precious? I’m amazing and my life is pristine? Wow you don’t even know me and you already know this!) For that, I send my apologies and will send my Army of minions (Editor’s Note: Shit.Just.Got.Real) to go kick their asses if you simply request, or, you know what, [insert bad word here that starts with F here] (Editor’s Note: Can this guy not cuss?) it…My minions are already on their way (and are already over half-way there may I add) to go handle business for us…:::cracks his knuckles::: We will be victorious in your honor. (Editor’s Note: Is he drunk, delusional or does he think he’s being cute?)

I forgot to mention earlier that I also have far more superior personality than God himself…(Editor’s Note: Oh NO he just didn't ) OK maybe that was BS but the rest of my expertly crafted message (Editor’s Note: Is that what you call this?) to you was all true (and also proofread by a ninja who I captured and took prisoner and now employ as my secretary/proofreading/make-up and hair/ancillary BS bitch).:::smacks the ninja upside the head::: ‘Get back to work on the disguises’…

I kick so much ass that I can act like a total douchebag in my first (and last if you don’t reply with the quickness) message to you, and already somehow know (without any shadow of a doubt because you also have a exponentially-expert-level-huge-I-can-kick-double-Jeopardy-square-in-the-ass brilliant mind) that I am NOT really a douchebag. I simply play one in your inbox/on the profile pages so that I may blend in with the surrounding wildlife here while hoping you are intelligent enough to spot my disguise and call me out on it…Which, for the record, my ninja did in fact help design in addition to proofreading (remember when I smacked him a bit ago). He isn't [insert bad word that starts with S here] without my superior intellect and good looks, but he has been known to help from time to time. (Editor’s Note: I’m a little confused…)

I've crossed behind enemy lines and infiltrated this territory full of actual real-life morons and douchebaggery as quickly and expertly as I could so that my superior skills and tactics will ensure that you (the Princess/Queen/Goddess of THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE  will be rescued in time for us to be able to do whatever it is that Princess/Goddess/Queen of THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE like to do after they aren't trapped inside retart-douchebaggery-I-may-be-stupid-and-horny-at-the-same-time-but-I’m-on-your-inbox-and-won’t-leave-until-you-block-me-or-meet-me-in-real-life-land, AKA Okstupid. (It’s not okcupid any longer). (Editor’s Note: Has anyone else gotten bored?)

F them for F’ing with You (the Princess/Goddess/Queen of THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE) and I, and making us endure all of the suffering which was brought unto both of us by this godforsaken hellhole of a website full of douche (Editor’s Note: Pot Kettle…) until I was able to come to your rescue (Editor’s Note: How sweet. He’s saving me).

If you help me help you, I will get us OFF OF THIS SITE FOREVER, never to return again! (Editor’s Note: Oh FOODST4MP promises are just words) BUT…it will take BOTH of us to escape…I can’t do it alone (Editor’s Note: And possibly won’t ever do it at all), and neither can you. (That’s why we’re here, right? To ESCAPE?)

These people (well 99.99999%of them anyways, You and I are both excluded) all suck and deserve what my minions are bringing their way here any minute now. If you hurry, you and I will be able to watch in super-ultra-omfg-it’s-real-life-in-person-HD and we can DVR (in our superior brains) my minions beating the brakes off their retarded, yet collective asses. It might prove to be fun (if you’re into that kind of stuff…)

I have skills woman, believe that, (or ‘dat as they say on the south side). I don’t know what part of town you are from or which dialect of English you prefer…BUT I KNOW ALL OF THEM BECAUSE I WROTE THEM ALL! (Editor’s Note: Unders dropped!!!) I know every language on the planet and I can fly (Editor’s Note: Good to know, I hate to fly), have x-ray vision, lasers, can play guitar and sing and all kinds of other [insert bad word here that starts with S]…I suck (Editor’s Note: You’re on to something) at dancing (Editor’s Note: Oh shit!) though, I won’t lie, it scares the absolute hell out of me…BUT, anything else, I will kick it in the ass.

Have a great morning/afternoon/evening (whenever you get this) and feel free to message me back (Editor’s Note: I think we both know that won’t be happening) (I did in fact write all this crap so you would reply and not report me to your local law enforcement agency)…After you write me back, I’ll try to reply back myself but at the very least I have instructed the ninja (the one I captured) to get back in touch with you for me…It’s hard for me (even with a captured ninja) to reply back sometimes because every single (and married) girl on this entire website likes to talk to me all day/night (that’s why they joined) and they all happen to be online right now which is  normal because I’m online. It’s no biggie though, you have nothing to worry about…I’m VERY picky (Editor’s Note: Maybe you shouldn't be, just sayin), and I have already picked you, so, hopefully I hear from you soon and maybe we will hit it off (and get the hell off this godforsaken website).

:::wipes the sweat off his forehead:::

Luckily (Editor’s Note: SHIT I thought this was over!) I was the one who trained Superman and I can go capture his sorry ass so that he can assist the ninja in writing you back, should you happen to contact me. As you can probably tell, I am VERY good at what I do. (Editor’s Note: What is that? What if this guy was foreal!?)

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as my ninja did proofreading it, although he may have screwed up somewhere (he isn't as good as I am myself at writing masterpieces)…I also hope you enjoyed my disguise which the ninja did have a hand in it’s construction (Editor’s Note: What is he talking about?) as well, :::smacks the ninja again this time harder:::…For the record, the hair is short now, but is growing back out : )

Merry Part,

B***

:::puts on the cape I ganked from Superman after I just went and kicked his ass without my ninjas help and flies away:::"

And there you have it folks. A bit of crazy brought to you from my okc. 

Surprisingly Busy Week on OKC

Lately when I open up my OKC app there is little to NO activity, but today I had a bunch of notifications and interests. What’s going on OKC? Did you get some new members or something? This usually only occurs when I change my picture, which I have not.

The guy who wanted to move to Columbia and me be his Penelope Cruz to his Johnny Depp, is still messaging me. He asked if he should book the flight to which I replied, “ Shouldn't we meet first” and thinks we have plenty of time to get to know each other on the flight and it takes too much time to meet first…Um ok…How bout NO!

“GOTYERASS” (interesting screen name right!?) tells  me he could “really dig me”. Um duh! I’m totes dig'able, but his pictures are cute so even despite that awful name I wrote him back.

Tales from the OKC

I got a message from a guy the other day saying that he wanted to move to Columbia, like Johnny Depp in Blow, and he needed me to be his Penelope Cruz, alls I had to do was sit by the pool all day looking hot and drinking margaritas.

As appetizing as that sounds it’s going to be a strong NO for me. 

My “Not So Much” Journey’s: More Messages from that OKC

 As you can only imagine I get some weird messages on okc. Only a few are worth posting. I bring you TWO gems that I've gotten in the last couple of months.

First up is from about 3 months ago. YooCantBeSerous (is his screen name and I actually thought exactly that after reading this message): "Kickball is the shiznit…I hope you are ready for crazy, because crazy is coming your way (editors note: crazy doesn't exactly explain it).

So…I’ve done a ton of research and put a lot of thought into this and I’ve scientifically masterminded THE most sincere, genuine and thoughtful copy-n-paste intro pickup line specially created…just…for…you. Are you ready?

Wait…waaait for it…

Hi…I’m Chris…I’ve got an average sized brain but I know how to please you with it and promise you’ll be satisfied FIRST every time ;) I come from a very stable and rewarding family that I’ve worked hard to build and I have a loving career that I am very close to (editors note: Chris, is that backwards?). I have an emotional but never clingy penis (editors note: OMG what!?) that I am very passionate about and that is very close to me (editors note: NO SHIT!). It’s gotten me where I am today (editors note: which is on a FREE dating site) and don’t know where I’d be without it. I hope one day to meet someone who I can introduce to my penis (editors note: no you just didn’t mention your PENIS AGAIN!) and who’ll feel the same way. In the mean time, I’d like to start out by just meeting a nice, fun, drama-free vagina (editors note: yep he went there) to develop a friendship with in hopes that it grows into a healthy mutually beneficial connection that I can introduce to my family someday. (editors note: did he just say he wants a “friend” with benefits?) Who knows what the future holds?…pets…kids…marriage…therapy…dysfu…family perhaps?…and whatever other tax benefits awaits us. I’m just so excited to have the privilege to be on this site so that you have the opportunity to meet me (editors note: no thank you) and I know you are just about to pee in your pants with anticipation too.

BAM!!!

I know that’s some good shit right? Almost too much to handle (editors note: You got that right). Like getting dessert for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Savor it…take it in slowly and saaavor it.

But…you’re welcome!

YOU just got handed goods! And lived to tell about it (editors note: trust that I will).

What’s next? Drinks…hot oily nekkidness…crash a wedding? It’s aaall (editors note: gotta love a guy that uses his letters multiple times) yours for the taking.

Number please? (Editors note: I think NOT!)

And so…how much of this did you really take seriously" (editors note: enough not to write you back).

I know readers that was a long one! But it had to be done. The next one comes from Sharkbaitoohhaha, who has a much nicer approach: “Hi Ms. Tlsavage, lol, how are you? I’m about to shut myself down from this site, but before I did, I had to say something to you. Get off dating sites!!!

1) You’re very beautiful (editors note: aw thanks). You say your pictures don’t do you justice, but I beg to differ. If I ever met you in person, I’d find it difficult to believe you’re prettier than your pictures. Your pictures are gorgeous; it’s just not possible.

2^nd (and final) Have faith that a wonderful person will sweep you off your feet-it just takes time. I know time can be a terrible monster that ticks by ever so slowly, but don’t be in a hurry. I have destroyed my dating life. Something time can’t fix (editors note: I’m intrigued, do tell…). If I could change it/fix it, I would. But alas, there is no recovery, and it’s led me to view many instances in a different light (editors note: and he’s not going to tell me what he’s talking about! You’ve got to be kidding me!).

I guess what I’m trying to say is: you have a much better chance at a quality man in real life (editors note: I don’t remember asking for a pep talk but ok), leave us computer junkies alone, lol (editors note: at least he has a sense of humor), and get out there! Someone is looking for you-out in the real world, not on a computer. Be out there, and you’ll be found.

Best wished and good luck!”

Too bad he deleted his profile right? I have decided that my gorgeousness scares guys away from my profile. This isn’t the first message I’ve gotten like this. What am I doing on this site!? In a total I’ve met two guys I’ve actually liked. One, I swear tries to avoids me and the second I actually met through a mutual friend years ago before okc was even a thought, in my non single days. It’s truly funny how things work out. At the end of the day, I’m still looking. 

My Journey’s: Did I Really Shave My Legs for This?

I’ve learned a couple things while dating. One, guys don’t care if you shave your legs or not. If it’s happening it’s going to regardless. Two, I’m more likely to get lucky if I don’t then if I do.

I’ve had two dates in the past couple months that ended before they even started. Literally! First up: Him, “Is Friday or Saturday better for you” Me, “Saturday” Him, … Absolute silence. Nothing! Equals no date. Second: Me, “So you still want to meet up” Him, “Yes” Me, “Well we can get together Saturday or Tuesday, my neighborhood bar has good trivia” Him, “Sounds good”…What sounds good? Saturday or Tuesday? Equals no date.

I got a message on that dreaded okc and we decide to meet up. Things went well and he tells me he wants to see me again, but then he goes and makes things more complicated then they actually are. After a couple “irrelevance irrelevance irrelevance ” texts I am over it and don't know how this is gonna go. I'm more annoyed than excited. The thing is I (try to) stay busy. Literally minutes after figuring out that he wasn't available on Thursday I had plans, Saturday followed suit.

I know what I want and what I don’t want. I know what I’m worth too and it isn’t sloppy ass non-dates. If you “definitely want” to see me you would. There are two nights in a weekend and 5 in a week, figure it out and pick one. 

That all being said, I shaved my legs last night. 

My Journey's: Well No Time Like the Present

After a lot of consideration I re-activated my okcupid account. I’ve gone on a total of 2 dates since I rejoined and I’m already about over it, checking it close to never and even setting up a date and forgetting about it…Oopsies. Well he didn’t try to contact me to definite plans anyways, so no harm no foul.

All that being said I have a date tonight. I feel like I’ve been here before. Explaining to you all, my few readers, that I have yet another online date to go on. They never amount to anything. If anything at all a good story (or bad story) in “My Journey’s”. Maybe this one will, or won’t, end up there. It has been a while since I’ve posted anything in that section of my blog. 

Wish me luck readers. No matter how hard I try (or how many times I say I won’t) not to get my hopes up, I always do! They always go up just to be dropped down. I’m not being droopy I’m just sayin. Maybe I’ll get a second date…Maybe a third…Maybe I’ll be able to use the sessy unders I bought for more than just myself (I kid I kid) ;) Maybe it will maybe it won’t, but just like my title, no time is like the present. Here’s to it… * cheers *