Guest Blogger: Douche from OKC

Wow! I logged into okc the other day and found a NOVEL in my inbox. I wonder if guys think we’ll write them back after making us read a lot of bullshit. Or are the testing us to see if we do read it. Whatever who cares! Here’s the message from FOODST4MP (it’s lengthy, hints NOVEL) and it’s time marked at 3:15 AM!…

“I’m smarter a helleva lot classier, and more fun than all of these other [insert bad word here] which have unfortunately (for you and I both) found your inbox.

Surprisingly, these male (and possibly lesbian female) creatures are intelligent enough to log on to the internet and are also able to operate a web-browser; thus enabling them to nest (and possibly breed) inside this God forsaken hellhole which only a moronic idiot (and probable pervert) would refer to as a ‘dating website’.

Unfortunately, (for you and I both), many of these [insert BAD word here again] were able to deliver random nonsense, or simple-minded hormone induced BS to your precious inbox and waste seconds (if not ENTIRE minutes) of your amazing and pristine life, and thus slightly impeding me as I carry out my duty of gaining your attention and impressing the ever lasting [insert bad word that starts with S here] out of you. (Editor’s Note: My inbox is precious? I’m amazing and my life is pristine? Wow you don’t even know me and you already know this!) For that, I send my apologies and will send my Army of minions (Editor’s Note: Shit.Just.Got.Real) to go kick their asses if you simply request, or, you know what, [insert bad word here that starts with F here] (Editor’s Note: Can this guy not cuss?) it…My minions are already on their way (and are already over half-way there may I add) to go handle business for us…:::cracks his knuckles::: We will be victorious in your honor. (Editor’s Note: Is he drunk, delusional or does he think he’s being cute?)

I forgot to mention earlier that I also have far more superior personality than God himself…(Editor’s Note: Oh NO he just didn't ) OK maybe that was BS but the rest of my expertly crafted message (Editor’s Note: Is that what you call this?) to you was all true (and also proofread by a ninja who I captured and took prisoner and now employ as my secretary/proofreading/make-up and hair/ancillary BS bitch).:::smacks the ninja upside the head::: ‘Get back to work on the disguises’…

I kick so much ass that I can act like a total douchebag in my first (and last if you don’t reply with the quickness) message to you, and already somehow know (without any shadow of a doubt because you also have a exponentially-expert-level-huge-I-can-kick-double-Jeopardy-square-in-the-ass brilliant mind) that I am NOT really a douchebag. I simply play one in your inbox/on the profile pages so that I may blend in with the surrounding wildlife here while hoping you are intelligent enough to spot my disguise and call me out on it…Which, for the record, my ninja did in fact help design in addition to proofreading (remember when I smacked him a bit ago). He isn't [insert bad word that starts with S here] without my superior intellect and good looks, but he has been known to help from time to time. (Editor’s Note: I’m a little confused…)

I've crossed behind enemy lines and infiltrated this territory full of actual real-life morons and douchebaggery as quickly and expertly as I could so that my superior skills and tactics will ensure that you (the Princess/Queen/Goddess of THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE  will be rescued in time for us to be able to do whatever it is that Princess/Goddess/Queen of THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE like to do after they aren't trapped inside retart-douchebaggery-I-may-be-stupid-and-horny-at-the-same-time-but-I’m-on-your-inbox-and-won’t-leave-until-you-block-me-or-meet-me-in-real-life-land, AKA Okstupid. (It’s not okcupid any longer). (Editor’s Note: Has anyone else gotten bored?)

F them for F’ing with You (the Princess/Goddess/Queen of THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE) and I, and making us endure all of the suffering which was brought unto both of us by this godforsaken hellhole of a website full of douche (Editor’s Note: Pot Kettle…) until I was able to come to your rescue (Editor’s Note: How sweet. He’s saving me).

If you help me help you, I will get us OFF OF THIS SITE FOREVER, never to return again! (Editor’s Note: Oh FOODST4MP promises are just words) BUT…it will take BOTH of us to escape…I can’t do it alone (Editor’s Note: And possibly won’t ever do it at all), and neither can you. (That’s why we’re here, right? To ESCAPE?)

These people (well 99.99999%of them anyways, You and I are both excluded) all suck and deserve what my minions are bringing their way here any minute now. If you hurry, you and I will be able to watch in super-ultra-omfg-it’s-real-life-in-person-HD and we can DVR (in our superior brains) my minions beating the brakes off their retarded, yet collective asses. It might prove to be fun (if you’re into that kind of stuff…)

I have skills woman, believe that, (or ‘dat as they say on the south side). I don’t know what part of town you are from or which dialect of English you prefer…BUT I KNOW ALL OF THEM BECAUSE I WROTE THEM ALL! (Editor’s Note: Unders dropped!!!) I know every language on the planet and I can fly (Editor’s Note: Good to know, I hate to fly), have x-ray vision, lasers, can play guitar and sing and all kinds of other [insert bad word here that starts with S]…I suck (Editor’s Note: You’re on to something) at dancing (Editor’s Note: Oh shit!) though, I won’t lie, it scares the absolute hell out of me…BUT, anything else, I will kick it in the ass.

Have a great morning/afternoon/evening (whenever you get this) and feel free to message me back (Editor’s Note: I think we both know that won’t be happening) (I did in fact write all this crap so you would reply and not report me to your local law enforcement agency)…After you write me back, I’ll try to reply back myself but at the very least I have instructed the ninja (the one I captured) to get back in touch with you for me…It’s hard for me (even with a captured ninja) to reply back sometimes because every single (and married) girl on this entire website likes to talk to me all day/night (that’s why they joined) and they all happen to be online right now which is  normal because I’m online. It’s no biggie though, you have nothing to worry about…I’m VERY picky (Editor’s Note: Maybe you shouldn't be, just sayin), and I have already picked you, so, hopefully I hear from you soon and maybe we will hit it off (and get the hell off this godforsaken website).

:::wipes the sweat off his forehead:::

Luckily (Editor’s Note: SHIT I thought this was over!) I was the one who trained Superman and I can go capture his sorry ass so that he can assist the ninja in writing you back, should you happen to contact me. As you can probably tell, I am VERY good at what I do. (Editor’s Note: What is that? What if this guy was foreal!?)

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as my ninja did proofreading it, although he may have screwed up somewhere (he isn't as good as I am myself at writing masterpieces)…I also hope you enjoyed my disguise which the ninja did have a hand in it’s construction (Editor’s Note: What is he talking about?) as well, :::smacks the ninja again this time harder:::…For the record, the hair is short now, but is growing back out : )

Merry Part,

B***

:::puts on the cape I ganked from Superman after I just went and kicked his ass without my ninjas help and flies away:::"

And there you have it folks. A bit of crazy brought to you from my okc. 

My Journey’s: WARNING GRAPHIC but no NUDITY

I woke up this morning thinking last nights date was just a nightmare…No such luck.

Everything started off really well. He was cute, dressed nice and even taller than me. We shared a lot of the same interests, spoke about music and being on the beach. 3 hours flew by at this brew house and we got the tab. As I do, I ignore it and just wait for it to be paid, but not with this guy. He says, “So you wanna split this”. I was shocked but kept it together and said, “sure”. He scurried off to the laboratories and I told the waiter to split it down the middle, even though I had TWO beers compared to his FOUR and we SPLIT a salsa and queso. At one point in the night he mentions his “female confidant”. At the end of the date I’m thinking, did his “female confidant” tell him to split the tab? You must know this guy is a beer brewer by profession, so my “male confidant” told me this guy needs to brew up some common courtesy. At the very least to pick up the damn tab on a date!

Still he asked me if I wanted to come back to his place because it was a nice night and we could “hang on the porch”. Not to seem totally annoyed, which I was, I said yes. I’m thinking ONE beer and I’ll go, because it is a work night for me. I follow him to his place down the road and he gets us both a beer. We’re sitting on his porch enjoying my fave Miller Lite and all the sudden he comes in for the kiss. You would think this would be nice…it wasn’t. Probably the worst kisser I’ve ever dealt with and there was no way I could make it work even a little bit. He’s being way too aggressive, which just sets the tone for what he’s really out for.

He’s getting more and more aggressive and I tell him things gotta stop there. He goes on and on asking me questions about why, and telling me my body and the way I’m acting or dressing (believe me my clothes were on LOCK DOWN) is telling him differently (WTF!) and I’m having to explain to him my morals (because damnit I do have them). This goes on for a while. He tells me he has to sleep with someone to know if he wants to “date” her. Knowing this is all complete bullshit I just tell him it doesn’t work that way for me. I do finally convince him that NOTHING is going to happen, by telling him I was just Baptized and I'm walking a life through the eyes of God (forgive me) and I get on my way home knowing that he’ll never call me and that I’m completely ok with that.

Probably the worst date I’ve ever been on. And it showed such great promise at the beginning of the night. Boo dude! 

UPDATE: The guy texts me this morning! He says he had a great time last night and for me to have a great week. What a weird day. Dilemma, one guy I like doesn't know how to make plans or text me on the whim, yet he tells me great things about myself and makes me feel good. This guy totes makes me feel like he's out for ONE thing (that is sex) and yet he follows up with texts telling me he had fun and to have a great week.