I Hate Valentine's Day

I've been thinking a lot lately (I’ll try not to strain myself) about, obviously Valentine’s Day, and the ridiculous pressure put on singles and men in relationships. First off Valentine’s Day, in my mind, is a holiday strictly to sell flowers, cards and balloons that‘ll just end up in the trash. Sorry if I sound bitter or negative it’s just how I see it.

To me Valentine’s Day means two things, ONE: it’s my 8 year anniversary at work. That being said I finally got an “old-new” (someone else’s old while they got a new) computer. Downside, Vista was installed on it. TWO: Two years ago I found out one of my dear old friends killed himself, blah blah blah. That being said I figured some things out…

My friends tend to do this around some sort of holiday. Garrett, Valentine’s Day. Mr. White’s birthday was the day before Valentine’s Day and he left us Christmas Eve. Dear Hotine was right before my birthday (and one of his roommate and best friend’s birthday). Holidays can be rough and messy apparently.

Still, usually I would end up wearing red or something for this holiday but today I just forgot. There is so much other shit going on that it just slipped my mind. I did get a “Happy Anniversary” from the VP of the company this morning, which I really appreciated. 

My Journey’s: Maybe the First

Because it’s been a while, God knows the dating pool is awful right now (side bar: I am dating but it’s just dating) I’m reaching back a bit…

The other day I was thinking (I know I shouldn't strain myself) and I thought Garrett was my first real boyfriend. He should of set the tone for future relationships, but instead I rejected him. What is wrong with me? He was such a good guy. Carnations for our three-month anniversary, something he found more exciting than I did, he never push me into anything (kissing back then was a big deal mkay) and he always had nice things to say about me despite what was in his ear (Chamblee can be so dramatic and talk talk talk).

I’m probably stretching the truth a little. When I hit high school I had a number of boyfriends right off the bat (I’m not gloating). In truth I was just new eye candy to some, but I was something special to Garrett. He made sure I knew that and it made me feel weird so I put an end to it. I chose to be with someone that was less than good to me instead. This person turned out to be my long term. I grieve the thought of this.

The older I get (or maybe it’s just the dating) the more I realize that certain things just don’t matter and the ONE thing that actually does is how someone makes you feel. We set the tones for how we want to be treated. If we let guys get away with being jerks they’re going to be jerks. The saddest thing of all is Garret was way cuter (and taller) than who I chose for long term. What.Was.I.Thinking!? Now I’m so frightened of losing myself or getting hurt it’s hard for me to take the leap. And I really only have myself to blame. Most of us are damaged and we need to get the F over it! Live in the now.

This is turning into a self help (of sorts) so I’ll end with Happy Voting Tuesday! Thank God it’s almost over. It’s nasty outside and I can only think that it’s a direct reflection on our candidates. That being said, I'm not voting so as my Daddio would say my opinion doesn't count. 

And Another One...

OMG

I had another dream about Garrett last night! It’s been a long time since I’ve had one of these and this one was quite insignificant. Per usual I don’t know what any of these mean. Am I thinking about him subconsciously? Is he saying hello? Is it because his brother’s birthday just pasted? It’s the same damn thought every time! I should probably stop beating myself up over why and just accept that he’s apart of my dream life now.

I was with a small group, he was with a small group and we kind of just saw each other in passing. In the dream I think I was more or less trying to avoid him. Like, “oh there’s Garrett”. I can’t really remember but I think in the dream the feeling was that he wasn’t dead.

I spoke to a friend about dreaming of the dead last week. According to her these dreams are bad IF you speak to the person. Maybe that’s why I was avoiding him.  

Dear Sand Man, What Does this all Mean

Had another dream about Garrett last night. This one was really weird. He wasn’t in it, he wrote me a letter and it’s like it arrived in real time. Meaning I got it in today’s time, to date it’s been a year and 2 months since his death.

It said something like, “You don’t have to worry about me I’m ok and it wasn’t your fault”. Honestly I don’t know what that is all about. I’ve never blamed myself and there’s no reason I would. Sure I’ve worried about him extensively in the past year. Thinking about him quite often. But blame myself…No sir.

Anyways it was weird and it kind of creeped me out. Typically I don’t get creeped out dreaming of Garrett, but for some reason I woke feeling unsettled.